JRfest is the greatest New Year’s party in the history of the world. It prevents most forms of colon cancer. It was the afterparty for the Arab-Israli peace talks. It’s where your daddy met your mamma.
The Story of JRfest
JRfest Like most things born in the year 2000, JRfest started because of a fight between J.R. and Pam. According to legend, Pam was having a New Year’s party for her friends while Joe was having a party for J.R. and his friends. J.R. tried to make everyone happy by splitting his time and ended up pissing everyone off. The following year, Bob and Jo Ann opened up their home so J.R. could have everyone in the same place and spread the love evenly.
JRfest2: John, Take Off My Sweater The details of JRfest2 are sketchy, either because we were really drunk or because it happened seven years ago. We returned to Oreland. Mike got Pam’s younger sister and her friends drunk. Catherine showed up. Tom became the guest of honor for some reason. John went to sleep in one room and woke up on the other side of the house in Kevin’s sweater.
JRfest3: JRfest Takes Philadelphia JRfest would have died in 2003 were it not for Pat, the patron saint of canceled television shows and facial hair. J.R. thought no one would show up after college. Pat convinced him to try. They bough a thingy and people showed up in droves. One more person and Timmy would have had to sleep in the bathtub.
JRfest4: Score at the Shore In 2004, Bob and Jo Ann opened up their shore house and the carpet has never been the same. Mike brought a bunch of annoying girls. Swifty brought women who brought T-Shirts. Nikki brought two guys who did the dishes. Paul brought Bacardi 151 and a lighter. We’ve never been allowed back to the shore house.
JRfestV: Citizen King 2005 was a year of firsts. Justin and Natasha came for the first time. So did Dana and Ki. J.R.’s brother Tom became his first sibling to show up. Jay and Omar became the first JRfest guests to sit on chairs and expect J.R. to bring them women. Perhaps most importantly, it marked the first visit from “the lovely and talented” Miss Victoria. She enjoyed her time at JRfest so much she would go on to co-host future parties in her home.
JRfest6: Le Festival Burlesque Few parties are as committed to gender equality as JRfest. In 2006, the women celebrated their liberation by dancing on the coffee table in corsets while the men judged them. Gloria Steinem called to thank J.R. for his historical contribution. Unfortunately, she couldn’t make it to the party. Victoria won the costume contest. Kelley beat out Dana for second place in the first ever JRfest dance-off. The real winners, though, were women everywhere.
JRfest7: The Pajamma Jammie Jam Here at JRfest headquarters, the only thing we love more than women in corsets are those women in their PJ’s the next morning. So, in 2007, we covered the floors in mattresses and pillows and cozied up with a few dozen of our cutest friends. Newcomers included Steph, Amanda, Anne, Hannah, Jess, Helena, Louise, and Erin. Now that I think about it, there were a lot of cute women at that party. Just ask Jeremy.
JRfest8: Come As You Were Remember back in 1994 when you and Angela Chase wanted to go to that party so you could meet up with Jordan Catalano. Tragically for you, Tito never showed up to give you a ride. So, in 2008, we did our best to recreate that party for you. There were ravers and goth kids. Kris Kross and a sweater-vest. Even a special appearance by Angela Chase.
JRfest9: Pimps and Hoes Join us this year as we abandon all pretense and just get all sexed up. We will have a shiny new stripper pole installed so you ladies can show us your moves. All pimps will get a roll of JRfest dollars that they can spread around to whichever lucky ho they choose. The ho with the most bucks at the end of the night will win a gift basket filled with porn and sex toys. And, as always: free beer, free liquor, free champagne toast, free food all night, and free breakfast in the morning. RSVP here for JRfest9: Pimps and Hoes.
